A response to a question about stress management during the days of Corona Virus led to a contemplation about the difference between stress and anxiety and some effective methods to manage and reduce the symptoms of both
Sometimes what you experience as being the worst and most stressful time of your life ends up, in hindsight, being the best thing that ever happened to you for the strength and new knowledge that you gain from it. Of course, when somebody says that to you during that time, even if you know it is true, that throw-away sentence on its own is not very useful. One needs tools to use and actions to implement in order get out of the murky waters of fear, anxiety and negativity.
There were many years where I would see people unravelling with the stresses and strains of life, while I seemed to be getting through unscathed. But then my time came, as it does in most people's lives, where you are kicked out of your comfort zone and forced to confront uncomfortable emotions and unhelpful beliefs which you have built over your lifetime. It's not enjoyable trying to avoid fear when it won't be avoided. However the more you try to avoid the source of your fear or the more you won't look at the anxiety, the longer it is going to stay with you in your life. So what to do?
Many people experience anxiety in different ways, both mentally and physically. It can have an almost paralysing effect in its strongest forms, rendering the person experiencing it unable to make a decision about whether to turn left or right, stand up or sit down. It can also cause physical sensations of prolonged nausea, body temperature changes that accompany extreme fear, and excess levels of adrenalin. When the most debilitating effects of acute anxiety are felt, it is important to reach out to someone and let them know what is going on in that moment and just ask them to sit with you until it passes.
However, there are other levels of anxiety which many people experience which are not acute, but nonetheless are unenjoyable and are often explained away by simply saying 'I'm stressed because of work' or 'I'm stressed because of this situation' etc etc, yet could really be alleviated or reduced if the sufferer knew about some various techniques to manage stress and could acknowledge what really causes stress.
Stress and anxiety arise when we are not able to control a situation or an outcome, we do not know how to bring about a fervently desired outcome, or we cannot predict an outcome, but yet we feel the absolute responsibility to do so. It is important to recognise that there are many situations in life (in fact, most) where you do not have absolute control over the outcome as you are not the only player or decision maker affecting the outcome. Once you admit this to yourself, this is the first step in taking the pressure of full responsibility off of your shoulders.
The next step you should take after this recognition, is to stop ruminating over how you can control that situation which you have just admitted to yourself is not completely in your control! Instead, part of the practice to reduce the stress level you have reached, is to turn your attention to the things in your life which you can control. Luckily, these are often the seemingly quite banal. I say luckily because it means that there is very little obstruction to you finding things quickly which you can immediately modify and control to your liking. Stepping away from the bigger challenges or issues going on and completely focusing on the banal and doing them really well, gives you back a sense of overall control, groundedness, a sense of accomplishment which is key to raising your self-esteem, your peace of mind, and again reduces your stress.
You will note that I have said 'seemingly' banal, because once you realise these simple tricks are so effective, you will never look at them as banal again! Again, keep in mind that the tricks below are for moments of extreme anxiety, but really, are very useful to apply when your mind gets hooked on something negative and you want to unhook it!
Physiology: Posture. The single best piece of advice I have ever received was from my parents when, at a young age if I was getting stressed or gloomy they would say ‘shoulders back’. Little did I know that this was to be the major life saver for the rest of my days. Please, try for yourself, sit up straight, put your shoulders back and then say ‘I’m so depressed’, or ‘I feel so helpless and alone’ or ‘I just can’t cope’… Try it now. Kind of doesn’t work, right? In fact it feels a little silly. Why? Because the physical act and the mental message just don’t support each other. In the moment when your posture is straight and your shoulders are back, in that moment, you might feel a variety of different things (it could still be anger and frustration) but weak and hopeless is not one of them, and that is what we really want to move away from first. So changing your physiology is KEY to changing the mental dialogue. And putting your shoulders back and straightening your spine is the first movement towards a renewed strength and determination. This is something that can be returned to 100 times in a day if needs be. And speaking of posture and the body in general, yoga is not something that everyone is into, but if it is, even if you do a minimum of 5 sun salutes in the morning and then at any point in the day when you get stressed or feel like crumpling up, it helps.
Presentation: The immediate environment and yourself. Again, it sounds a bit army-like or regimented, but trust me these three things work. They are also recommended by experts from all walks of life and over many decades. i) Always make your bed as soon as you get up, and make it as perfectly as you can. ii) Before you leave the house or head to your home office, make sure the dishes are always washed. Even if you learn to do this in the most rapid way possible, just make sure your bed is made and the dishes are washed before you leave the house or get on with your day. Just trust me on that one and try it. You won't understand its power until you have tried it. iii) Finally, when you are feeling stressed or in great anxiety really try to wear your most preferred clothes rather than things you would never wear in public or which don't empower you. Your favourite clothes generally empower you.
Gratitude list. Can take 2 minutes or 10 minutes, but one thing is for sure, this activity when done authentically, and in combination with steps 1 and 2 (after 1 and 2) is the key from moving from the state of returned calm to a state of positivity and even happiness. Starting out, the list is just for the things in your immediate present. Anything your eyes can see in that moment, and then what is satisfying all the other senses (comfy jeans, piece of jewellery that you like on your wrist, the satisfying white piece of paper you are writing on, the fact that you have a roof and four walls and hot water and fresh drinking water that comes out of the tap, clothes that you like, electronic devices to listen to music on and read about stuff which pleases you). Then moves on to gratitude for the people you have in your life, no matter who they are, it could be the person you buy your coffee from each morning. Imagine the smile or laugh of those people as you write their names. See them smiling and laughing. Truly, it is amazing how ridiculously effective and how at ludicrous speed, writing with pen and paper, a list of things for which one is grateful changes EVERYTHING. This can take 2 minutes as it is so effective but if you get on a roll and are loving the exercise take as long as you like - basically there are an unlimited number of things to be pleased about once you get into it. And don't get cynical! It doesn’t mean you are grateful for the crappy things happening, it just means you are switching your focus to the good things which exist at the same time.
Comedy: I highly recommend watching comedy clips of the type of comedy that you and your favourite people find funny and share them. For me personally that’s usually Spaceballs, Life of Brian (anything Monty Python), sometimes BBC comedy on facebook and most recently Carl Barron has been cracking me up.. just find a clip on YouTube and send it to your comedic partner in crime and off you go..
I want to add here that if you find yourself in a really anxious state, be conscious of avoiding the things which add to more stress and anxiety (ie, the news, social media and people prone to complaining or who enjoy gossiping about topics which are not uplifting).
As mentioned at the start of this article, most people know that anxiety is not something that disappears just because you would like it to. And when you do have anxiety, the tips above are not as easy as they seem to the common reader. So it is crucial that you get this next point. EVEN if you are feeling dreadful you CAN and MUST do the tips above. And here's another trick. It's a weird thing, but if you call out the feeling you are experiencing, as it is, without judgement and even marvel at it a little, this separates you from the emotion and gives you back a bit of control over yourself. What does that mean? For example, you can even talk to yourself (either out loud or silently)… "I feel paralysed and can't make a decision but in any case I'm going to eat an orange." "I feel like crap but I’m going to wash the dishes anyway." "I feel anxious but I’m going to put on my favourite jeans and jewellery anyway". "I feel dreadful but I’m going to check my work emails anyway." "I feel like crying but I’m going to make my bed anyway". "I feel like vomiting but I’m going to put on some music anyway". 'I feel wretched but I'm going to go for a run anyway'.. In this case I do have experience and know what I am talking about, and I have to tell you that when I actually said this to myself I actually also completed the action.. amazing how it works. It's not feeling sorry for yourself. It is for those times when you haven't been able to feel better but you are determined to get on with your day nonetheless. (Here I would actually recommend that you read this beautiful article by Tony Robbins - https://www.tonyrobbins.com/ask-tony/how-do-i-treat-anxiety/).
In the moments of strong anxiety (which I often got during my 20s) I used to first acknowledge that yes, this is a VERY unpleasant feeling, and for the time being obviously you resent the fact that the feeling is there. Then acknowledge that resenting its presence is normal, it would be an odd person who said, ‘oh wonderful, I feel anxious and nauseous’, so it is normal to be disappointed that you feel anxiety. However, once you have admitted that it is there, and you’re not enjoying it, then remind yourself that the feeling of nausea, wanting to cry or curl up in a ball (or whatever it is for you) that comes with anxiety doesn’t actually mean/indicate anything (ie, having a feeling of anxiety or dread does not in fact indicate that you are Nostradamus and your paralyzing fears are evidence of a miserable future written in stone). Rather, it is that a thought stimulus led to a rather unpleasant physical feeling (like car or sea sickness) and acceptance that the feeling is there but knowing it will eventually pass, especially if you implement numbers 1, 2 and 3 in the list above.
Everyone will have tricks that will work for them - but you have to have the intention to find a solution that works for you. I was determined not to suffer from anxiety for the rest of my life and that I needed to find some mental and physical tricks to help alleviate it. I went from having it pretty intensely and frequently in my 20s and early 30s to now hardly ever experiencing it, and it was by using all of the tips above. They are the basics to get you to a composed state again where you can then get on to the more traditional and wonderful things of whatever creative pursuit floats your boat, cooking, music, art, dance, research, online courses, business planning etc etc etc to really make the most of this life that is being given to you, and enjoy your wonderful uniqueness within it, and not let fear and worry steal your opportunity.
I forgot to mention... It may well be that in the period of your life before you have started to see the effectiveness of the repetition of the tips above, days will come when you really have gotten off to a bad start, for whatever reason. It is perfectly okay to stop yourself at 10am, 11am or even 3pm in the day and say 'Right, I'm just going to start this day again from now.' Go and take a shower, and just start your day over... shower, dress in clothes which empower you, write your gratitude list, wash your dishes, make your bed and then on you go. This is important. You can start your day again, at any moment in the day. Remember that.
Last note:
This is what worked for me many, many years ago when I had really bad periods of anxiety, and just got me through the toughest days. And I did have days where I despaired that I would have to live this anxiety for the rest of my life. And at that time I accepted that it might be a possibility. That acceptance made me feel so much more calm. And then that calm led to strength and ownership of the issue - which led to it disappearing almost altogether because I took ownership. Does that make sense?
Other things also got me through... a little bit of dialogue with my preferred deities (prayer/meditation/written pleas to the gods for help.. whatever you want to call it) and in fact I did consult professionals a few times to see what remedies they might suggest (even though I really had to push myself to do that as I was embarrassed and frustrated that I experienced this anxiety - not knowing that so many other people also experience it, and I was worried that these professionals would suggest extreme remedies which were not natural and I was not interested in going down that path at all. Nevertheless I got their opinion and simply continued with the techniques that are mentioned in this and the Tony Robbins article). If nothing is working for you, I would suggest that you do make an appointment to have a chat with a health professional or health coach as it's not embarrassing, it's their job to deal with these things. It's about as embarrassing as taking your car to the mechanic when you can't fix it yourself. It's not embarrassing.
Beyond Basics (after returning to a settled and more grounded state)
Once you have learnt the effectiveness of controlling the banal in your life and and have a better relationship of acknowledging or accepting what role anxiety plays in your life, strangely it truly seems to dissipate. Then this wonderful realisation dawns on you that even if it pops up unexpectedly (as it will continue to do as life will always deliver situations which are out of your control) you have learnt that it won't dominate your life, and you can have it under control within a few hours, or even a few minutes once you get confident in your ability to do so. Then you might want to do a bit of research about the benefits of meditation, exercise, yoga, and look into new hobbies as your life takes on a whole different beautiful shape for the future.